The Security Of Sabotage
I have for a long time suspected that there was something at work on a deep level within me.
An invisible trip wire of some sort that would confine me to an area of safety and beyond the reach of where I believed I desired to be.
This is not apportioning blame because this mechanism was set up with the best of intentions.
However, as with many of these things, in the long term it stopped me moving forward.
The danger was long gone but the remaining association created a self sabotaging behaviour that made success impossible.
In fact I had created a belief that it was dangerous so as a result there was no chance of me achieving what I wanted.
I have a good idea where this came from. During my childhood I had been subjected to actions by other people that I felt powerless to prevent yet on some other level felt responsible for.
Apparently this is not uncommon.
Later on in life as a young naïve hopeful in a big city I put my trust and dreams in the hands of characters who created similar situations and so an association was born.
Whenever I felt I was getting closer to a breakthrough the memories would come back and the protection factor would kick in and sabotage everything.
I have no intention of seeking out those who hurt me. It is not for me to see that justice is done.
The justice is for me to walk forward and feel safe in becoming who and what I dreamed I always could be.
To the little gremlin who would step in and demolish my work and opportunities I would like to say, 'Thanks but I don't need you any more. I understand you were trying to protect me. Now I need to move on.'
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