Recently I read back some of the work I have published to my blog.
What amazed me most was although I knew that I had written the pieces there was an element of detachment of authorship.
It was not always apparent to me that I was the creator.
The work was not recognisably my own.
There was a depth and honesty there that I do not delve into on a daily basis and this is unfortunate.
There is a personal responsibility I have to admit to. You cannot achieve anything without demanding and I do not.
There is a reason that I have for the meantime stopped trying.
In my mind is a Utopian vision of honesty, vulnerability and ecstasy. This I realise is possibly a step too far ahead particularly in current times when the world looks like it is about to end and 'things' cannot get any worse but do.
However I believe this is a possibility and I need to find others to connect with who believe this too. Not because they agree with me but because the know it from their own hearts and are looking for a way to bring it forth.
Is my growing frustration and agitation with life is understandable?
I truly want everybody to live the best life possible to express themselves in whatever way makes them happy. As another year passes and the merry-go-round of seasonal events is foisted upon us I truly wonder if anybody is paying attention to the fact that somebody else somewhere else is telling you what time it is.
This message/feeling is becoming more apparent in my writings and the new songs I am composing. I find it surprising because I never considered myself to be an activist of any sort, yet this has that sort of edge.
I could try to quash this voice that is begging to express it self but the effort involved would be greater than allowing it to fly out into the world and see where it will land.
I am discovering a personal strength I was unaware that I possessed and the deeper I delve the more I see there is too explore, combined with a new fearlessness that would have been unimaginable to me even very recently.
I was recently asked why I did the blog as it was not making me any money.
The answer is that is not the purpose. The gains are greater than the gift of the green stuff.
It is knowing that diving deep and writing almost in a stream of consciousness style is connecting with people and the freedom and self confidence I have because of it.
The rewards we bestow upon ourselves far outweigh any worldly anointment.
To believe and live as if you are worthy and treat yourself as such and have it the reflected back to you cannot be bought.
I want this blog to present more than just a tale of me making music and asking people to buy it.
It is about showing a journey of discovery and evolving personal victory.
I am as much a voyeur as you.
Thanks for reading.
Please share. ;)