The picture accompanying this post was taken sometime during the night of my performance at Cecils London.
I had only met the photographer Goldes Andrade that evening. I have no idea at what point during the evening he took it and since that day he has reworked the picture so that I am seemingly submerged in black.
To me the opposite is true.
This is me emerging.
I cannot recall a time before this when my efforts and desires have been more precisely captured in a photograph.
There have been pictures that show me fighting an emotion or experience that probably only I or those who know me really well could even recognise
I have many great pictures. The clothes, the lighting and camera all placed and orchestrated to create an arresting image. I know how to play my part and manipulate that.
But this is different somehow Goldes found a moment.
When I first saw this I was breathless. Not because I looked good in the picture but because I could see that all the inner work, meditation, contemplation and focus was starting to pay off.
My aspirations for myself are so far removed from anything or anyone I have ever been surrounded by. This is not only about my work creatively but who I want to be as a human.
These goals have seemed so lofty that the thought of them were sometimes overwhelming. The distance from where I was to where I wanted to be felt insurmountable.
It was hard to know if I was getting any closer or still paddling in the ideas pool because as I was often reminded 'nothing was happening'.
Or seemed to be...
But everyday I have been working, yoga-ing, reading, writing, fixating on birthing the ultimate version of myself. My H.E.R. -Higher Energetic Resonance.
This is by no means a conclusion. What I have been shown is a glimmer, a little bud of hope and acknowledgement that the seed was planted deep and now has started to grow.
To be honest with you the recent years have been my personal rock bottom and all I thought about my life has been examined and evaluated.
One of my favourite quotes that helped me through that time came from fellow INFJ, JK Rowling.
'I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.'
Thanks for reading